Underlying Beliefs About Relationships​

Perhaps one of the strongest influences upon your relationship with your partner is your family of origin, or in other words, the family in which you grew up.  The "rules" about relationships and family life you learned in your childhood can significantly impact the way in which you operate in relationship today. We are pulled to react in the old, familiar ways despite, at times, our best intentions to be completely different from our family. Many counselors and therapists start working with you by mapping your 'family system' or the network of relationships that surrounded you as you grew up. ​


​The following is a quiz to help you reflect upon what you believe about relationships.
  1. Generally speaking, who was in charge in your parents' marriage - your father or your mother?
  2. How did that parent succeed in staying in charge?
  3. How did the other parent respond?
  4. What were your father's ways of saying "no" to your mother?
  5. What were your mother's ways of saying "no"?
  6. When they had conflicts, what was your father's style of dealing with them?  What were your mother's ways of dealing with conflicts?
  7. Did either of your parents avoid responsibility for his or her own behavior by blaming the other?  If so, how did he or she accomplish this?
  8. What were your father's ways of letting your mother know he valued her as a special person?  What were your mother's ways of doing this?
  9. What was your mother's style for being affectionate?  How did your father express his affection?

​Go back over the questions and your answers.  Note where your patterns of behaviour are a reflection of your parents. In what ways are you still trying to resist what you saw in your family of origin? How does your partner resemble the people in your family or not?  These questions are designed to help you increase your self knowledge about your strengths and areas of possible problems. 

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