Parenting and Learning Styles

What Kind of Parent are You?
Every parent develops his or her own parenting style. Parenting styles are represented by a complex set of skills that may change in different situations or with increased knowledge and experience. Each style comes with its own strengths as well as limitations. Each style has a different impact upon the development of your child's inner discipline. Listed below are the most common types of parenting styles. Review each style to determine which one is most reflective of your own.

A Permissive Parent
An Authoritarian Parent
An Authoritative Parent
allows the child to regulate his or her own activities as much as possible; avoids the exercise of control
does not encourage the child to obey externally defined standards
consults with the child about decisions and gives explanations for family rules
makes few demands for household responsibility and orderly behaviour
presents as a resource to the child, not as an active agent responsible for shaping or altering the child's ongoing or future behaviour
attempts to use reason but not overt power to accomplish their ends
values obedience as a virtue and favours punitive, forceful measures to curb self-will at points where the child's actions conflict with what the parent defines as appropriate conduct
believes in teaching values such as respect for authority, respect for work, and respect for the preservation of order and traditional structure
does not encourage discussion of parental policy, believing that the child should accept the parent's word for what is right
encourages verbal give and take, and shares with the child the reasoning behind the parent's policy
values both autonomous self-will and disciplined conformity
exerts firm control at points of parent-child divergence, but does not hem the child in with restrictions
recognizes own special rights as an adult, but also the child's individual interests and special ways
affirms the child's present qualities, but also sets standards for future conduct

For more information on parenting styles and how they build your child's inner discipline, please refer to Barbara Coloroso's book or video entitled Kids are Worth It.

Your Child's Learning Style
From their earliest years, children demonstrate different ways in which they learn best:

Some children like to observe others playing with a toy before they try it themselves
Some children prefer to get careful, complete instructions before they begin a new game or task
Some like to plunge in right away and learn as they go along
Some prefer to learn while interacting with others
Some prefer to focus by themselves
Some prefer to know all the rules and follow them
Some prefer to create their own rules and change them frequently

Parents can often overlook these differences, assuming that what worked best for them will also work best for their child. Taking the time, as a parent, to learn about these differences, and using this knowledge to validate your child's preference will serve to enhance your child's learning, eliminate strain and increase self-esteem.
Following are some examples of activities and approaches that support your school-aged child's preferred learning style:

Learning by doing hands-on activities
Learning through interaction with others

Involve them in everyday activities and give them useful, practical information about real things. Offer precise, step-by step instructions; logical, practical reasons for doing something. Above all, they want to be treated fairly.
Give them a friendly environment and useful, practical information about people. Offer precise, step-by step instructions; frequent, friendly interaction and approval. Above all, they want sympathy, support, and individual recognition.

Learning through imaginative play
Learning by solving problems

Give them general direction, with freedom to do it their own creative way; frequent positive feedback. They like symbolic and metaphorical activities and ideas about how to understand people. Above all, they want warmth, enthusiasm, humour, individual recognition.
Give them theories and global explanations about why the world works the way it does. They enjoy categorizing, analyzing, applying logic. They want to be given a big problem to solve, an intellectual challenge, and then allowed time to work it out. Above all, they want to be treated with respect, especially by someone who they perceive as knowledgeable and competent.
How to Help Your Child Succeed

Daniel Goldman, in his bestseller book, Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence, contends that emotional intelligence (EQ), more so than IQ, is predictive of your child's success in life.
What is emotional intelligence? Essentially, it the ability of an individual to perceive, understand, express, and regulate emotion. Individuals with emotional intelligence demonstrate resilience, self-discipline and effective relationship skills and exhibit the following competencies:

Ability to self-motivate
Persistence in the face of frustration
Impulse control and delaying of gratification
Regulation of mood and ability to keep emotional distress from interfering with ability to think
Ability to empathize and to hope

Children can develop emotional intelligence. As a parent, you can support the development of your children's EQ by helping them become aware of their emotions and those of others, as well as by encouraging behaviors for managing their emotions. John Gottman, in his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, explains:

In my research I discovered that love by itself wasn't enough to become a good parent. Very concerned, warm, and involved parents often had attitudes toward their own and their children's emotions that got in the way of being able to talk to their children when they were sad or afraid or angry. While love by itself was not enough, channeling that caring into some basic skills that parents could practice, as if they were coaching their children in the area of emotion, was enough. The secret lay in how parents interacted with their children when emotions ran hot

Gottman identifies "emotion coaching" as comprising the following five elements:

Being aware of a child's emotions
Recognizing emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
Listening empathetically and validating a child's feelings
Labeling emotions in words a child can understand
Helping a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting situation

What are the benefits of "emotion-coaching?" Gottman identifies that children that are consistently "emotion-coached" are able to:

regulate their emotional states and self-sooth when upset
reduce their heart rate faster after something upsetting has happened
stay healthier, having fewer infectious illnesses
focus attention and perform better academically
relate better to other people, even in tough situations like getting teased at school
understand people and have better friendships with other children

What are Some important things for Divorcing Parents to Remember?
Separation and divorce are very hard on everyone in the family. No matter how hard you try, the break-up will effect your child in certain ways that cannot be avoided. Research suggests that the most important factor determining the impact of divorce on a child is how the parents manage their relationship through the divorcing process and in the aftermath. If they can cooperate around parenting issues and communicate calmly with each other, their child will benefit. It is also important to involve other loving people in the child's life (such as grandparents) to help with extra time and attention while the parents are naturally stressed and preoccupied.

Your child may believe he has the power to make his parents happy enough to get back together again, or even remarry. It's very important to remind him that the divorce was not his fault and that it is not possible for him to patch things up between you. The divorce is final and he will have to accept that.
Your child may feel strange or embarrassed about the divorce. Many children feel that theirs is the only family that has ever had such a thing happen. If you have friends or relatives who are divorced, it might help to point this out by saying something like "you know, Suzie's mommy and daddy are divorced too, just like we are".
Your child is still a child. It will not help him or her to be told "Now you are the man of the house", or, "You are Daddy's little woman now". A child needs to know that adults are still in charge of her world and will continue to be so.
Some children may be afraid to go to bed or to sleep alone. Even though you may be lonely too, it is not the best idea to let him sleep with you. This will only confirm his fears that it really isn't safe to be alone. You can remind him that he has his own bed and so do you.
Some things your child does may remind you of your former spouse, and make you feel angry. This is a natural reaction, but it is important for your child to feel good about both her parents and about what she learns from each of them. It may be frightening for her to hear you say, "You act just like your father (or mother) when you do that!" It might make her worry that you could divorce her too.
After a divorce, many parents feel that every bit of misbehaviour or each period of unhappiness on their child's part, is a direct result of the divorce. This simply is not so. All children go through stages in their development and some periods are harder for them (and you) than others. You do not need to go through the rest of your life thinking things would be easier or better for your child if only you had not been divorced.
Your divorce is not the end of the world for your child or for you. It is an unhappy and painful time for all of you, but your life will go on. With time, help, support, reassurance and love, you and your child will continue to grow and thrive.

Parenting and Learning Styles

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Parenting and Learning Styles