Addressing Differences in Your Relationship​

To sustain and strengthen your relationship it is essential for you to appreciate the different gifts that each of you bring.  You can do this by recognizing and affirming that each person has a right to be different.  Both partners need to be willing to concentrate on the virtues of the other rather than the weaknesses.  This involves letting go of the idea of changing your partner. ​

Gender Differences:
Much has been written about dealing with gender differences.  In our culture, women are generally raised to value interdependence and to be sensitive to feelings as the primary medium through which relationships are maintained.  Men, on the other hand, are raised to value independence and individual effort and to be relatively suspicious of feelings.  Recognizing and accepting these differences can assist you in giving your partner what he or she needs. For more information on how men and women can live together peacefully, please refer to the following books: 
  • Why Men Don't listen and Women Can't Read Maps, Allan and Barbara Pease
  • Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, John Gray
  • You Just Don't Understand Me, Deborah Tannen
Personality Differences:
Personality types appear to be the product of our genetic inheritance as well as our early experiences in life, and influence the way we perceive reality and react.   For the most part, personality types are remarkably stable.  However, they are also dynamic.  Personality can be enhanced or impeded by environmental factors, and can also be shaped with focused effort, insight, and commitment to personal growth.   

In a close relationship with someone, it is helpful to understand personality type.  There are many personality inventories that can assist you and your partner in understanding the differences between the two of you and how these differences affect your relationship. One such inventory is called the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).  In brief, this inventory explains the variation in human behavior through some basic, observable preferences.  These preferences influence where we like to focus our attention, the way in which we take in information, how we make decisions, and the kind of lifestyle we adopt.  ​They are as follows:

Extroversion

​Focus on the outer world of people and things; prefer to communicate by talking; like variety and action.

Introversion

​Focus on the inner world of ideas and impressions; prefer quiet concentration; like to understand the world before experiencing it.

Sensing

Live in the here-and-now; realistic and practical; rely opon their senses to tell them about life.

Intuition

​Future-oriented; focus on the "big picture" and new ways of doing things; value imagination and inspiration.

Thinking

Make decisions by ordering choices in terms of cause-effect or logical analysis. 

Feeling

​Make decisions based upon personal values and subjective evaluation of what is important. 

Judgement

Live in a planned, orderly way;  seek to regulate life through structure and organization; want things to be settled so seek closure.

Perception

​Live in a flexible, spontaneous way; seek to understand life rather than control it; adaptable to change so prefer to keep their options open.

Personality Testing

​Take a brief test based upon Isabel Briggs Myers' and Carl Jung's typological approach to personality on HumanMetrics.com

​​The results of the MBTI can provide you with a complex picture of how your own preferences and style compare with that of your partner. Identifying how your personality meshes with that of your partner can be helpful not only in appreciating the unique qualities that each of you bring to the relationship but also in understanding your interactions with one another.    Similarities and differences hold differing impacts upon relationship.  ​
Those with similar preferences:
  • Usually communicate easily
  • Generally understand each other's perspective
  • Tend to share common values
  • May, however, share the same blind spots and feel stretched when required to act in less comfortable ways

Those with different preferences:
  • Sometimes have trouble understanding each other
  • May disagree and argue about priorities
  • Tend to find their interests leading in different directions
  • May also experience the continuing joy and vitality of their differences and find themselves developing their own non-preferred areas

Personal styles and preferences can change over time and in different situations but the knowledge about your fall back styles can enlighten your approach to difficult situations.

Value and Interest Differences:
What is most important to you is indicated best by how you spend your time and money. It also shows up in what you like to talk about and in your dreams for the future. Sharing at least some of your individual top values and interests is the foundation of a strong relationship. Deciding what is non-negotiable and what can be flexible is key to having a healthy functional relationship.

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